When this whole trial began, I immediately felt as though I was under some kind of spiritual attack.
An attack intended to elicit fear and sabotage my trust in Him. I know this sounds super hocus-pocusy, but stick with me.
I had recently been reading the words of Jesus as though for the first time. Those little words printed in red were coming alive in entirely new ways.
I read Matthew 25:31-46 and I could not shake it, those words quite frankly, they scared me.
Mercy! I was frightened that I might actually be one of the goats!
And you have to understand, the sound goats make, you know- “meh-eh-eh-eh”, it’s like the only animal sound that my husband has ever really “mastered”.
So immediately, I’m hearing this creepy, persistent bleating, as I consider how many times I’ve turned my back on “the least of these”, and therefore on Jesus Himself.
It caused a change in me. Not the creepy bleating, but the words of Jesus.
I began stepping out more boldly in faith, to serve and give.
I began deliberately silencing any doubts, listening to that still small voice, believing that He would provide.
We had experienced some really awesome God moments over the past few weeks.
Twice, I felt like I laid it all out there on the line, and He showed up in spectacular ways.
He reminded me of His ever-present faithfulness and awesome provision, if we just trust in His ways.
My faith was soaring and gaining significant momentum.
All things are possible with God, I thought. I believed it in a mighty way.
Then…
BAM!
My husband arrives home from work bent-in-half with a back spasm.
He develops a migraine, severe abdominal pain, and then needs to be hospitalized with acute diverticultis.
I questioned whether our recent steps toward living more authentic Christian lives had grabbed Satan’s attention.
The timing was just too “coincidental”.
I prepared myself for battle. I reminded myself of His truths.
I know what Satan intends for harm, God will use for good!
It is Satan’s desire to fill us with doubt, fear, and hopelessness.
He wishes, more than anything, to produce wavering steps in our walk with Christ.
I resolved to stand strong.
I will not succumb. I will not doubt His ways. I will place my trust in Him.
I will rely on Jesus and trust this is all happening for a reason and according to His plan and purpose.
May He use this trial to refine and perfect us, and may the glory be His!
I prayed this:
Oh, I was so sure God had my man out of the game for a reason.
He had benched him and stuck him on the sidelines for a God-ordained purpose.
This was precisely the way God worked in the books I had read. He quieted an individual’s life so that said person would have time to reflect, prepare, understand, etc.
Now, if my hubby would just figure out the “why”, we could get on with the show.
I never considered the possibility that God might have something in this trial for me.
Not sure what that says about…yours truly? 
I digress.
My hubby was lying on the couch, seriously down and out, and I asked him to consider why God had taken him out of the game.
“There must be a reason…” I pointed out. Yes, I’m good at subtle…and driving it home. All at the same time, I guess.
The trial continued.
It dragged on for almost a month.
I was doing my best to be anxious for nothing and place all my trust in Him, yet I finally hit my wall.
I was on the brink of unraveling emotionally.
I was growing overwhelmed, discouraged, and fearful about Duff’s recovery.
I felt myself losing patience and becoming frustrated with the people I love most. I believed my faith was inadequate, despite my efforts to draw closer and surrender all to Him.
I was beating myself up, tears threatened to spill forth.
I managed to hold myself together, until a dear friend showed up unexpectedly.
She walked through my front entryway holding a pristine white box wrapped with a lavender bow.
Can you guess what it contained?
Yes, my very favorite dessert.
The dam broke.
Tears of fear and frustration flowed.
My flesh had begun creeping into the situation. I was exhausted and short-tempered. I couldn’t go on like this forever.
Realization had struck.
What if he never got better?
He hadn’t really shown any tangible improvement.
I wanted my husband back.
I needed his strong arms to hold me…to tell me it was all going to be okay.
I needed him by my side, the two of us doing life together.
What if he never got better?
I shared my deepest fear for the very first time.
My confidant spoke truth into my current situation.
God knows the fears of your heart.
He knows your deepest fears. He loves you.
I struggled with this.
I know He loves me.
I know He has all of this.
I know He works all things together for good.
I know I should be anxious for nothing
and yet I was having trouble living that way.
I had a pit of fear in my stomach that I couldn’t pray away.
It remained there, burning heaviness, fluttering with uneasiness.
What was standing in the way?
What was I holding onto so tightly, that fear swept over me, rather than the peace of complete surrender?
I received a message from another sweet friend who had been praying about our situation.
She gave me a verse.
She had been struggling too…feeling that just because she was struggling, the enemy was winning.
But that is a lie, oh praise God! she said.
Psalm 66:8-12 confirms His permissive hand on our trials, only to strengthen us and refine us into His image.
She shared these words:
Let the whole world bless our God
and loudly sing his praises.
Our lives are in his hands,
and he keeps our feet from stumbling.
You have tested us, O God;
you have purified us like silver.
You captured us in your net
and laid the burden of slavery on our backs.
Then you put a leader over us.
We went through fire and flood,
but you brought us to a place of great abundance.
Psalm 66:8-12 (NLT)
These words, such a perfect reminder. They gave me such peace.
I was feeling defeated because of my struggles. Like the enemy was winning.
I was certain my faith was inadequate, convinced I was a failure.
How freeing to know that God was permitting these difficulties for my refinement.
In that moment, when I finally felt safe and secure in His love,
I learned a few lessons.
I believe it was really these lessons that He had for me all along.
I was too busy holding onto my husband with all my might, knowing I just couldn’t go on without him.
I have seven kids, I can’t do this alone, I reasoned.
I can’t survive without him, I told myself.
I wouldn’t be able to persevere…it would be too much, I concluded.
But you would have to.
I would have to be enough.
No one else is worthy.
Nobody else is able to meet and provide for your every need.
I need to be your rock, your first true love.
Me alone.
Gulp.
Important, but not fun lessons.
Cheesecake was definitely the best part of this whole tutorial.
It truly does fix everything.
Don’t you think?
Cheesecake and a husband who is back in the game!
Thank you, Jesus!
